My Grief Journey So Far

The bond between siblings is a cherished and enduring connection shaped by shared memories, experiences, and a profound sense of companionship. It doesn't matter how far you live from each other and how much you see each other; the bond is there, it's strong, and every time you get back together, it is as if you were always together in the first place. Sadly, I won't have that anymore, and I think the thought that I won't be able to embrace, talk to you, and share the same space with you is the most heartbreaking feeling I've ever had. This grief is a profoundly emotional journey with many manifestations and stages. Some may think that since we did not get to spend much time together in these two years because of distance and many other reasons, my pain is not the same as the people beside you through the process, but that's not true. I think it's worse for me because I wanted to be with you and could not, and that made me suffer even when you were alive. I always treasured the moments when we got back together, the blessing of reuniting again, and I won't have that opportunity anymore. I always longed for those reunions with you, to enjoy your bubbling personality and heart of gold, and I won't be able to enjoy that anymore. 

This process has been challenging. When I returned from that trip, when I saw you last, I left believing God would grant the miracle and heal you. It was my prayer, and when I received Dad's call with the news, everything crumbled. At first, I was overwhelmed by numerous questions and a profound sadness mixed with anger. Yes, I questioned God and asked why, just like everyone else, but I decided to hold on to the belief that I'll see you again someday. Although the thought that I would no longer see you alive and well is still heartbreaking. It is still surreal to think about it. This grieving process is not linear; it feels like a rollercoaster. One day, remembering you keeps me afloat, and others, that's not nearly enough. For me, since I'm the oldest, it is also hard to see my other siblings and my parents suffering, and not being able to ease their pain or even be beside them adds to my suffering. It's weird, but I feel like it was my duty as the oldest to keep them out of harm's way and protect them from hurt. It is hard to explain, but it is one of the strongest feelings I've experienced this past month.

I thank my husband and my beautiful princesses for their support and love. Support is key! Please, if you suffered a loss, do not isolate yourself. Seeking support from family, friends, or professional counselors can be crucial during this grieving process. Look for coping mechanisms that help ease your pain, but be mindful that what may work for someone will not necessarily work for you. As I said before, grief is different from person to person. Because I believe that we must always help others even if we are still hurting, here are a few things that can help you ease your pain:

1. It is crucial to allow yourself to grieve and experience the full range of emotions that come with it. Suppressing these emotions can hinder the healing process.

2. Connect with friends, family, or a support group to share your feelings and memories. It can provide comfort and understanding, especially for those who have experienced similar losses.

3. Professional counseling can provide tailored coping strategies, guidance, and a safe space for expression.

4. Establishing rituals or creating memorials can be a meaningful way to remember and honor the person you've lost. You can create a scrapbook, plant a tree, or plan a memorial event.

5. It's vital to take care of your physical health while grieving. Make sure to get enough sleep and eat well. Your physical well-being can contribute to your emotional well-being.

6. It's vital to find healthy ways to express yourself. Writing in a journal, creating art, or participating in activities that allow you to express your feelings are helpful options.

7. Connecting with others experiencing similar losses in a support group setting can provide a sense of community and understanding.

8. Strengthen your spiritual life. Study the Bible, pray, and have a more intimate relationship with God. He is the only one who can give you the peace that surpasses all understanding.

It's important to understand that grief is a process that takes time. It's okay to be patient with yourself and to set realistic expectations for your healing journey. Remember that everyone grieves at their own pace. I hope these tips help you somehow, and I pray that you may find strength and comfort. It's vital to recognize that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve, and people may go through different stages at their own pace. Every feeling is understandable, and you should not feel guilty about what you are feeling after you lose a loved one close, like a sister, a parent, a son, a daughter, or a partner. I know this grief will be present every day since everything that reminds me of you will awaken that sense of loss. It is a long-term impact triggered by all the love and the constant reminder of all the things we will miss. Walking through the Downtown will never be the same. Every time I see a skull, the Cowboys, and your smile in a picture, a flood of tears comes down as a heartbreaking reminder of your loss. I know it is a process, and with time, my feelings will transform and become more bearable, but the hurt is too fresh to think it will ever be. For now, I'll hold on to the memories because they help me feel like I'm hugging you every time I revisit them.