Even in failure you can find peace

This entry will be different, very deep, sincere, and revealing. I know this is a difficult one because it would need me to confront something I’ve been ignoring and, in part, denying for years. I’ll need to deal face-to-face with my flaws, insecurities, and weaknesses, and that’s not something easy to do. For the past weeks, I’ve been struggling between what is wise to do and what I would like to do. I am in the difficult position of choosing between my health or having economic stability. I have all the passion for what I’m doing; I love to teach and be active, and on top of that, we need the salary so we can be stable economically, but what happens when your body does not back up your desires? What do you do when your body betrays you?

I’ve put all my effort into making it work, despite the struggles, despite being exhausted, despite the pain, but when is it time to realize it isn’t working? When is the time to accept that there are things we can’t control? When is enough? And on top of all these questions, there’s the fear of failure, the fear of being judged, and the guilt of failing to meet a task for the well-being of your loved ones. There is guilt for not being able to help, for not making a difference. On top of it, there’s a sense of impotence, of wanting to do so much but not know how because it is like your body has other plans, it is like you are living with an enemy that doesn’t want you to succeed.

I’m not writing all of this to gain your pity or support. I’m writing this because I know that more people are dealing with the same, and they don’t have the courage or the willingness to deal with it. They’re doing what I’ve been doing; they have been ignoring it, and they are in complete denial. But you know what, not accepting things as they are is an exhausting experience; it drains you, and in the end, you end up in the same place, but now you’re defeated; you end up in front of the things you’ve been running away from. You end up exhausted and without the strength to overcome it.

Sometimes we think that to overcome something, we have to ignore it and keep on going, but you know what I have learned these past weeks? Sometimes to overcome something, you have to confront it, even if it is painful and even if you don’t want to do it. You’ve to be able to deal with your reality and dare to accept that sometimes there are things that you can’t control, and there’s a time when accepting things is the wise thing and the courageous thing to do. By dealing with your struggles, flaws, insecurities, and weaknesses, you grow, and you will regain control. It sounds ironic that sometimes, to regain control, we have to lose control at one point. You have to “let it go.”

I know religious people will tell me, Sylvia, you lack faith. I hate when people tell you this because faith is not about denying reality. Faith is not about saying you are ok when you’re at your worst. Faith is not about saying I’m in victory when inside you’re broken; not about telling everybody you are good when inside you are rotten. Faith is not ignoring your weaknesses. Faith is about dealing with the problem; is about dealing with the core of the problem; it is about dealing with reality and having the courage to see beyond it. For me, faith is confronting reality, and then you keep on walking regardless of what you’re experiencing. It is to realize that despite my flaws, my weaknesses, despite my struggles, and despite the betrayal of my body, God will give me the victory. It may not be in the way I want it, and you may not perceive it as a victory at all, but in the end, because of Him, everything will work out for the best.

He always knows what is best for you, and He will always do more than you expect or could ever imagine. So, here comes the hard part, when you’ve done everything in your hands, and nothing seems to work, it is time to “ let it go” your control and give Him the wheel of your life. It is time to accept His will and keep on walking with the reassurance and the confidence that when He’s in control, even in defeat, you can find blessings. It’s liberating to be aware that even in failure, even when your body is betraying you, if you’re walking with God, you will receive a blessing and find peace.

Don’t give guilt, fear, and denial control of your life. Instead, dare to confront your struggles and give God control. I assure you that He would not let you down. Today, start releasing the chains of fear and accept that some things are out of your control. Start living your life knowing that failure is just another step in your way towards victory. If you dare to deal with reality and confront your flaws and weaknesses, you will achieve it. Dare to be different and keep calm even when things don’t go the way you wanted them to go, because calmness will open your eyes to seeing the blessing at the end of the path you’re walking in.

As one of my favorite movies (Encanto) says, “Open your eyes,“ and contrary to what its famous song states, yes, we have to talk about Bruno (for me, Bruno embodies all the things you want to keep hidden, those things you can’t control, all the things you don’t want to confront or accept). By talking about your struggles, your weaknesses, and insecurities instead of denying them, you’ll start seeing that sometimes you have to go through failure and even let go of some things to construct something new and to be able to find your blessings and enjoy them.